So this is just to clarify, 'cause I feel like I should. I hate confusing people. =P
So, generally, I'm a pretty happy person. I really, really enjoy life. I'm not lying when I say this. I feel privileged; I don't know where I was going with that, but I do. Most people aren't as lucky as I am, or aren't even as lucky as you, the reader.
My last post sounded pretty emo, no doubt. And I'm not going to lie, I sure felt it last night. I don't keep these sad feelings inside me hour after hour. They just decide to come up at random and they tear me apart. Maybe I don't need help as badly as I think I do. Maybe I just need better coping methods when I don't start to feel good. Yeah, probably that. We'll see.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Your Opinion
So about a week or two ago, I made a promise to myself that if I had another "emotional breakdown" I'd actually go and get help. And here it is, 10:45 P.M. on a Wednesday night, and you can probably guess what happened a couple hours ago.
I don't know if I should keep my promise or not. I don't think I can get better on my own, either way. Opinion? I'm posting this in a blog 'cause I haven't the balls to talk about it with my family, my local friends, or even the person I'm talking to on the phone right now.
I'm sick-- both physically and mentally.
I don't know if I should keep my promise or not. I don't think I can get better on my own, either way. Opinion? I'm posting this in a blog 'cause I haven't the balls to talk about it with my family, my local friends, or even the person I'm talking to on the phone right now.
I'm sick-- both physically and mentally.
Monday, April 14, 2008
NaNoWriMo: Part 2
I'm typing this while listening to "One Thing" by Finger Eleven. (Really good song, check it out.)
Quick note on NaNoWriMo that I forgot to mention in my earlier blog entry:
This story is do or die for me. If I fail to accomplish this-- develop a story, that is-- my current aspirations to become a writer will probably die. I like the idea of becoming one-- I really, really do. To be able to inspire people-- like so many have done for me-- through my writing would be a dream come true. Although, I'm not going to chase it if I believe it will go no where and I have no talent. The most I've ever come to writing a full length story are two pages to two different stories that I wrote last summer, and the other years ago. I'm not even going to count Create in '08 or Sirens, those don't deserve the merit, in my opinion.
With every passing day, I get closer and closer to graduation. Then, four magical months later, I'll be in college. Depending on my career choice, I'll go to a certain college. I have a couple picked out for either path. I could possibly take a year off to collect my thoughts and plan a little more, but I've been told enough times that it's ALWAYS a bad idea to do something like that. We'll see as time progresses.
Back to writing, though:
I do enjoy writing, especially like this. I guess talking like this sort of comes naturally? I just hope that I can find my voice while writing fiction.
I really, REALLY think it's going to go over well. At least, I hope it does. Ideas keep filtering into my head and I keep thinking of things to add to my current story choice. The plot continues to thicken.
Wish me luck. Sometimes, I sure as hell think I'll need it.
Quick note on NaNoWriMo that I forgot to mention in my earlier blog entry:
This story is do or die for me. If I fail to accomplish this-- develop a story, that is-- my current aspirations to become a writer will probably die. I like the idea of becoming one-- I really, really do. To be able to inspire people-- like so many have done for me-- through my writing would be a dream come true. Although, I'm not going to chase it if I believe it will go no where and I have no talent. The most I've ever come to writing a full length story are two pages to two different stories that I wrote last summer, and the other years ago. I'm not even going to count Create in '08 or Sirens, those don't deserve the merit, in my opinion.
With every passing day, I get closer and closer to graduation. Then, four magical months later, I'll be in college. Depending on my career choice, I'll go to a certain college. I have a couple picked out for either path. I could possibly take a year off to collect my thoughts and plan a little more, but I've been told enough times that it's ALWAYS a bad idea to do something like that. We'll see as time progresses.
Back to writing, though:
I do enjoy writing, especially like this. I guess talking like this sort of comes naturally? I just hope that I can find my voice while writing fiction.
I really, REALLY think it's going to go over well. At least, I hope it does. Ideas keep filtering into my head and I keep thinking of things to add to my current story choice. The plot continues to thicken.
Wish me luck. Sometimes, I sure as hell think I'll need it.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
NaNoWriMo
All right, so I was talking with Hayley the other night and we decided it would be fun to do NaNoWriMo during the month of May (and by "we," I mean she told me I should do it).
(For the two people who actually do read these blogs, here's a link: http://www.nanowrimo.org/ )
I know it isn't November, but the why the fuck should you have to wait until November to attempt to write a novel? Exactly my reasoning!
My thoughts on this idea first started off as poor. I kept telling myself, "Shit, Evan. This is going to suck . . . badly." I wasn't looking forward to it at all. My past attempts at writing have all been terrible.
I knew what I wanted to write about. I've had the same story idea-- said story idea shall be called X-- for years, and I've never done anything with it. No main character, no plot, nothing. Just an idea. While dwelling on this whenever I wasn't bothered by other matters, another idea for a story-- we'll call this idea Y-- came into my mind. It was similar to the other idea-- similar being a very big stretch. I started to wonder if the main character behind Y would fit into X, and sure enough; I found that he would fit beautifully.
So there it was, a main character I could relate to and someone who I already felt I knew. The little minions of doubt must have had a lunch break or some shit, because I started to feel a bit better about the upcoming month.
And, of course, with the doubt gone, I started to build on the story even more. I knew what I actually wanted to do with it. Hell, those minions must have went on strike! There are a few things I need to work on with my "outline," but I believe in myself and I know they'll dissipate by the end of April.
**Random Concerns (if you want them call them that)**
I'm curious as to how far I'll actually get on word count. I really, really want to go over 50,000 words. I think I owe it to the story that it does.
One thing that may put a damper on the situation:
Graduation is on June 1st, so right after May is over (obviously). It feels weird to think that I could be finishing up a novel the night before I graduate, but hey, it could happen. Right? Along with this is the fear that I may be too busy, etc.
One last concern:
The people who are going to be reading it. I hope that my writing isn't judged on the genre, because I'm afraid it might be a little horrific for some (just the people who will probably end up reading it right after it's finished). As of right now, my story idea looks kind of dark. People aren't going to be flinging poo at each other and summoning demons, but it definitely isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows. Let's just say it's something that could happen-- and as happened-- in real life.
Overall, I'm really excited for this. Can't wait until May. =)
(For the two people who actually do read these blogs, here's a link: http://www.nanowrimo.org/ )
I know it isn't November, but the why the fuck should you have to wait until November to attempt to write a novel? Exactly my reasoning!
My thoughts on this idea first started off as poor. I kept telling myself, "Shit, Evan. This is going to suck . . . badly." I wasn't looking forward to it at all. My past attempts at writing have all been terrible.
I knew what I wanted to write about. I've had the same story idea-- said story idea shall be called X-- for years, and I've never done anything with it. No main character, no plot, nothing. Just an idea. While dwelling on this whenever I wasn't bothered by other matters, another idea for a story-- we'll call this idea Y-- came into my mind. It was similar to the other idea-- similar being a very big stretch. I started to wonder if the main character behind Y would fit into X, and sure enough; I found that he would fit beautifully.
So there it was, a main character I could relate to and someone who I already felt I knew. The little minions of doubt must have had a lunch break or some shit, because I started to feel a bit better about the upcoming month.
And, of course, with the doubt gone, I started to build on the story even more. I knew what I actually wanted to do with it. Hell, those minions must have went on strike! There are a few things I need to work on with my "outline," but I believe in myself and I know they'll dissipate by the end of April.
**Random Concerns (if you want them call them that)**
I'm curious as to how far I'll actually get on word count. I really, really want to go over 50,000 words. I think I owe it to the story that it does.
One thing that may put a damper on the situation:
Graduation is on June 1st, so right after May is over (obviously). It feels weird to think that I could be finishing up a novel the night before I graduate, but hey, it could happen. Right? Along with this is the fear that I may be too busy, etc.
One last concern:
The people who are going to be reading it. I hope that my writing isn't judged on the genre, because I'm afraid it might be a little horrific for some (just the people who will probably end up reading it right after it's finished). As of right now, my story idea looks kind of dark. People aren't going to be flinging poo at each other and summoning demons, but it definitely isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows. Let's just say it's something that could happen-- and as happened-- in real life.
Overall, I'm really excited for this. Can't wait until May. =)
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Epiphanies
I seem to be having a lot of these lately.
A long time ago I came to a very depressing realization. We're all trying to find happiness, and with finding happiness comes the possibility that you're hurting someone else's happiness. Last night, I sort of learned that I've been doing just that.
From about the 7th grade to when I started posting YouTube videos, I would always hang out with a group of friends over the internet. Two of them (mainly one, the other only started playing games with us online after I returned to North Dakota) were my "real life" friends, and the other two were people I met through online gaming. About a year ago, I really started to hate video games. I had looked back on what I've done in my life and couldn't even muster a smile. Most of it was spent playing World of Warcraft or some other game. I was pissed at how much it had "ruined" my teenage years and I figured stopping it all would be a good plan.
So, I did. And then I found YouTube. Ever since then I've felt better about myself . . . to some extent. With playing all those video games, you kind of don't have time to sit and ponder about your future or your life. Now that I've quit, it's all I seem to be doing.
Back on the subject of the friends, though.
I'd still talk to these four friends, (the two in North Dakota I still hang out with frequently) but when you lose something you have in common with people, it kind of hurts the bond you have with them. Needless to say, we weren't as we had been before I "quit."
About a month or two ago, I entered a clique (I guess you could call it that) of people on YouTube. I LOVE their company and it's great to have friends that are into the same stuff you are. However, with this came the slow absence from my other friends. I still hang out with the ones I live near, but I've pretty much totally removed myself from the whole video game scene and barely talk to the other two.
Last night, one of those friends contacted me on AIM (It's times like these that I wish AIM had a history like Skype does). He told me about how he didn't mean to be an ass about some of the things he had said about my video making, and that it really, really sucked that I've been totally ditching them the past couple months. That it sucked when "one of your friends is off doing something you're not apart of," or something along that nature. We talked about it among other things and we're "cool" now. But, still . . .
I was completely awestruck when he sent me this. It all kind of hit me and it instantly reminded me of the epiphany stated above.
This past week has been shit for me. Friday night was fairly awesome. From Saturday on has sucked. Badly. I'm really fucking confused about a lot of things. Life is getting to me and I can hardly stand it sometimes. I just wish I could figure things out.
A long time ago I came to a very depressing realization. We're all trying to find happiness, and with finding happiness comes the possibility that you're hurting someone else's happiness. Last night, I sort of learned that I've been doing just that.
From about the 7th grade to when I started posting YouTube videos, I would always hang out with a group of friends over the internet. Two of them (mainly one, the other only started playing games with us online after I returned to North Dakota) were my "real life" friends, and the other two were people I met through online gaming. About a year ago, I really started to hate video games. I had looked back on what I've done in my life and couldn't even muster a smile. Most of it was spent playing World of Warcraft or some other game. I was pissed at how much it had "ruined" my teenage years and I figured stopping it all would be a good plan.
So, I did. And then I found YouTube. Ever since then I've felt better about myself . . . to some extent. With playing all those video games, you kind of don't have time to sit and ponder about your future or your life. Now that I've quit, it's all I seem to be doing.
Back on the subject of the friends, though.
I'd still talk to these four friends, (the two in North Dakota I still hang out with frequently) but when you lose something you have in common with people, it kind of hurts the bond you have with them. Needless to say, we weren't as we had been before I "quit."
About a month or two ago, I entered a clique (I guess you could call it that) of people on YouTube. I LOVE their company and it's great to have friends that are into the same stuff you are. However, with this came the slow absence from my other friends. I still hang out with the ones I live near, but I've pretty much totally removed myself from the whole video game scene and barely talk to the other two.
Last night, one of those friends contacted me on AIM (It's times like these that I wish AIM had a history like Skype does). He told me about how he didn't mean to be an ass about some of the things he had said about my video making, and that it really, really sucked that I've been totally ditching them the past couple months. That it sucked when "one of your friends is off doing something you're not apart of," or something along that nature. We talked about it among other things and we're "cool" now. But, still . . .
I was completely awestruck when he sent me this. It all kind of hit me and it instantly reminded me of the epiphany stated above.
This past week has been shit for me. Friday night was fairly awesome. From Saturday on has sucked. Badly. I'm really fucking confused about a lot of things. Life is getting to me and I can hardly stand it sometimes. I just wish I could figure things out.
Friday, April 4, 2008
What I Lack
So, for the longest time, I've been attempting to write. It's always been something in the back of my mind that I've wanted to do. However, ever since starting, I've noticed it's a lot harder than it looks. For years now, little ideas have sparked in my head for story ideas. I've written some down and I'm sure I've forgotten others. I know the English language and the grammar that goes along with it fairly well, although, I'm no English Major. You can perfect your grammar, you can increase your vocabulary, but when you get down to it, you need more than just those tools. You need passion. And ever since I've started, I've noticed more and more often that I probably lack that which makes a good author.
For instance, take Sirens. I would sit and listen to the song, imagining, at least, the rockets and the destruction unfolding in front of the young child. Sounds like the start to a good novel, right? One of those epic page turners that they teach in high school English? The one all the popular kids don't read because they're too busy finding out who Sally blew on Friday night, but is still read by those who adore books and the deep messages that are conveyed inside them? Yeah, definitely one of those.
I started writing it one boredom filled night and didn't end up getting very far with it. I saved it and left it up there for anyone who actually reads these blogs to see. It was better than my fuckin' "Create in 2008" shit of a story. At least, I thought so.
Tonight, I decided to revisit it after a conversation with a great friend of mine. She told me my writing has potential, and I take her comments very close to heart. It isn't every day someone who obviously has more experience in a certain field tells you you could do well in said field. With this new scrap of self-confidence, I decided to begin.
I'm glad to report that I made astounding progress! And by "astounding progress," I mean I copy and pasted it into a word document and added a sentence or two.
I can't seem to just open up and write. I keep rewriting and eventually erasing sentences that I think are no good. For some reason, I can't allow myself to just let a concept flow out of my head and magically appear as text on a computer screen. (Except for when I rant on a fucking blog, of course.) I can't seem to develop anything, this being as problematic as you can get for an author.
Some extreme case of writer's block.
Maybe I need to start somewhere familiar. Somewhere that can open up my "abilities." If I have any, that is. Fuck if I know. I'm still going to try, even if it hurts.
Thanks for reading.
For instance, take Sirens. I would sit and listen to the song, imagining, at least, the rockets and the destruction unfolding in front of the young child. Sounds like the start to a good novel, right? One of those epic page turners that they teach in high school English? The one all the popular kids don't read because they're too busy finding out who Sally blew on Friday night, but is still read by those who adore books and the deep messages that are conveyed inside them? Yeah, definitely one of those.
I started writing it one boredom filled night and didn't end up getting very far with it. I saved it and left it up there for anyone who actually reads these blogs to see. It was better than my fuckin' "Create in 2008" shit of a story. At least, I thought so.
Tonight, I decided to revisit it after a conversation with a great friend of mine. She told me my writing has potential, and I take her comments very close to heart. It isn't every day someone who obviously has more experience in a certain field tells you you could do well in said field. With this new scrap of self-confidence, I decided to begin.
I'm glad to report that I made astounding progress! And by "astounding progress," I mean I copy and pasted it into a word document and added a sentence or two.
I can't seem to just open up and write. I keep rewriting and eventually erasing sentences that I think are no good. For some reason, I can't allow myself to just let a concept flow out of my head and magically appear as text on a computer screen. (Except for when I rant on a fucking blog, of course.) I can't seem to develop anything, this being as problematic as you can get for an author.
Some extreme case of writer's block.
Maybe I need to start somewhere familiar. Somewhere that can open up my "abilities." If I have any, that is. Fuck if I know. I'm still going to try, even if it hurts.
Thanks for reading.
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