Interesting Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm1KOBMg1Y8

Interesting political video. Makes a fair point, really. The conclusion? People are all unintelligent, especially American votes. People have never had--and never will have-- a good understanding of politics, or the knowledge needed to vote in the manner this video wishes we would. 

Fact is, this argument should always be presented in two ways, because God knows that the Obama supporters weren't the only idiots going to the polls on November 4th. We all pick up "little pieces of information" from the media about this or that candidate. Most of them are simply libel and/or slander. I'm glad to see that McCain didn't get as much as Obama did, as far as comments like that go. If some rumor had started up that McCain gave out American intel or some shit while he was captured--and someone voting for Obama had stated that that was one of their reasons for voting for Obama--I would have felt somewhat cheated. But I guess that's just as bad when someone states that they're voting for "Change."

Meh. It'll be put to rest, just like the whole Florida event with the Gore/Bush election will eventually die out, and no one will care thirty years from now.

The Palin question about the SNL sketch was just totally off-the-wall. If everyone in America had been asked that same question, a very, VERY VERY VERY slim number would have EVER been able to distinguish that. 

I'm glad that I could actually answer some of those questions stated in the video correctly, and that I knew who some of those people are. I guess I was a somewhat informed voter? Yay me!

Dream

Dreamt that my sister ordered some used Rock Band set on eBay. Guy came over to drop it off (I guess he lived close by?). Some other guy came to my house. Probably an electrician or something. We all sat down to eat, and then my parents told me they had some news. They each handed me a card, which had probably been valentines or birthdays card. On each card, it stated that they had one year left to live. I started screaming and crying, and forcefully kicked out the two fucks who were eating at my dinner table. 

Dream switched to another story after I probably woke up at 5 AM.

Was in some trailer home. This father, that was probably 500 pounds or some shit, was making his daughter "perform sexual acts" (lol political correct) on him. Then she ran away. Then the trailer home became this crazy ass fucking house. Bunch of old, creepy looking guys killing each other. Vince Vaughn was also there killing people. 

The fuck?

LolMikeVick

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-timdahlberg-111508&prov=ap&type=lgns

LOL

Random Rant On People & Politics

Fact: People are stupid.

I find it really offensive when someone calls Obama a "fad." While it's obvious that some people voted for Obama just because of the color of his skin, or because they like his image over McCain's, that doesn't give you a right to say shit like that as if it applies to everyone. 

I watched the Obama vs Clinton debates. I liked his ideas better.

I watched the Obama vs McCain debates. I liked Obama's views and ideas better.

I was a well-informed voter. I did my research. I didn't vote for Obama just because of his face, or because of the color of his skin, or because he's a "fad" or popular with the kids.

Another thing that pisses me off.

When people say shit like this:

"If so and so gets elected, I'm moving to Canada!"

"I'm scared of the future because so and so was elected."

Fuck that. Grow up. Like it or not, life will still go on no matter who's elected. Sure, things will either get worse or get better, but they'll still be. 

If McCain had been elected? I would have been upset, but not as upset as some McCain supporters are now.

Sigh

Morbid.

I've probably just done of the saddest, most morbid things ever. Wooooooo . . .

Never mind. I am not a dumbass.

But this YouTube commenter is:

"being raped is NOT a excuse for you wicked and vile people to kill innocent children
you will go to hell
pro choice is not a excuse to kill children
unless you repent
ask Jesus to forgive you"

Sigh. While I don't agree with aborting a child just because you were dumb enough to get knocked up by the man you were currently in love with/randomly hooking up with one night, I do believe that an exception should be made in the case of a rape. Or incest. 

Children are a heavy burden. To force a woman to deal with a child that was formed through one of the two most disgusting acts known to man is completely irresponsible. 

My sister sister has two children, and while she, and all of us who know them, loves them to death, they take up a LOT of time. And money. And for someone who is relatively young, and trying to get a stable career as a police officer, they complicate things. Not only do they complicate her life, but they complicate the lives of those around her (the rest of our family). And if she had been a rape victim, and they had been the product of said rape? I can't imagine how she'd feel. 

I don't think you can look at a rape child and love them the same as you would a child born from love.

Dumbass.

I woke up at 6:30 AM today. Got ready--left at 7:20. Get to school around 7:35, walked to class for ten minutes. Got to the front door, and stood there like a vegetable.

Forgot that I didn't have my first class today.

My next class doesn't start until 11.

Fuck.

I don't get it.

What's the point of getting shitfaced again? These two girls are sitting next to me. One is telling the other about how she spent a night at a bar and doesn't remember anything. And apparently all her friends watched her vomit everywhere. They're laughing about it. How is this enjoyable/funny, again?

If . . .

If the world comes to an end,

look around.

Look at all we've accomplished.

Be shameful.

Be shameless.

I miss things.

I miss things.

I miss the feeling you get when you first meet someone in person that you've known for a long time over the internet.

I miss Graham. I miss smoking cigars with him late at night. I miss discussing villains while on long walks. I miss playing playing frisbee in his yard. I miss the hospitality his family showed me.

I miss Adam. I miss sitting in bed with him, eating Frosted Flakes, while watching "Liar, Liar." I miss those fucking seagulls. I miss those shitty, cough syrup tasting donuts. I miss discussing relationships with him, only to be scared by that one creepy "homeless" guy.

I miss Leah. I miss hearing people have sex in hotel rooms while walking in the halls with her (WHICH TOTALLY FUCKING HAPPENED, LEAH. I WOULDN'T MAKE THAT UP.). I miss setting a chair upside down in the middle of our floor lobby. I miss playing Travel Scrabble. I miss the headache I got from her vocabulary.

I miss Amanda's adorableness. (Which she has a lot of, by the way.)

I miss Sarah. And Emily. And Eliot. And Liane. And Jerry. And Marlena. And Skye. And Ellen. And Alex. And Kayley.

I want to miss Joe.

I miss things . . .

I've fallen in love.

With a song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIUA9105GKI

Obscure music videos ftw.

9/14/08

It's late. (Or early, however you want to look at it.)
I'm depressed.
I'm bored.

I think I'm going to go watch random videos that my subscribers have made.

Untitled 2

Well, it's been a while since my last post. A little less than two months.

Has a lot changed?
Yes.
For the better?
I don't know.

College started. I'm . . . sort of enjoying it. It's different from high school, and as of right now, almost feels easier than it. My courses aren't too difficult. I've got a good schedule.

Of all my classes, I'm probably enjoying Nutrition the most. I find myself actually looking forward to it. My professor is nice, the quizzes are easy, and I enjoy learning how to be healthy. The other night, it gave me an idea for a different blog post, so I'll work on that when I have the time. :)

I'm living off campus, which kind of sucks balls when it comes to making new friends. But hell. I save a couple thousand every semester. So huzzah!!

I'm writing this while in the Memorial Union, which is pretty much the place where people go to chill and do nothing. If you people go to college for anything, go because there are attractive people around every corner. Seriously. Any type of person you could want you can find on a college campus.


Part two of college rant: I don't want to be at NDSU. It's a decent school, but it isn't really known for its writing program. Plus I want to be somewhere out of state. This may come as a surprise to some, but North Dakota isn't the most amazing state in the word. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. Everyone is friendly and it would be a great place to raise kids, but I'm looking for something different.

Graham may be moving to New York in the first or second quarter of 2009, and I'm putting some thought into going with him. We'd spend a year there before school so we could obtain residency and get in-state tuition, which would be ftw. There are no concrete plans as of right now, so we'll see how things turn out.


As for YouTube, I haven't really had any good ideas in a while. Most of my past videos either have me either mocking/fanboying Hayley in some fashion, or eating random food. Or a combination of both. And I hate to say it, but I'll be continuing that trend in a little while . . .

But after that, hopefully I can get some ideas down for an actual video.

To any of my new subscribers who may have started reading this, welcome. Like my profile says, this blog is mainly random crap I write on impulse. Nothing too interesting. :)

Lulz @ Politics

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080904/ap_on_el_pr/cvn_fact_check


Don't you just love 'em?

Untitled 1

Couldn't really think of a title for this, so "Untitled 1" it is! This post will mainly be an update and a rant. . . So let's go!

Orientation

I had college orientation at NDSU on the 10th. It . . . didn't go so well. For one thing, I felt an extremely negative fibe while I was there. I mean, the people running it were cheerful and all that, but it just felt wrong to be there. I ended up spending the whole day there, and I only really felt these feelings at the very start and at the very end.

Only the car ride home, I talked to my dad about college. I told him about my negative feelings, and I asked him what he'd think if I didn't go to college, or if I "packed my things and just left."

Well, he was a lot more "accepting" of it than I thought he would be. He tried to comfort me with the whole "you're a lot like I was" routine, but I could tell that his past self was nothing similar to my current self.

To tell the truth, I've never really been into the idea of going to college. I'm a smart kid, but it's always been kind of a thing where I've thought about not going more than actually going. I wouldn't mind not having an actual "career" my whole life. I mean, there are some things that I would love to do, but let's face it. Some of those I won't ever achieve. Writing? HA! That's a laugh. I wish I was good at writing-- but I don't think that I am. I do, however, think that I have good ideas. I just can't write them down and make an actual story out of it, ya know?

Psychology was really my thing until a couple months ago. My interest in that field is still there, but I just don't feel the urge to be a psychologist like I used to. I have the same mindset about psychology as I do other professions. There are things I'd be okay with being, and that I sometimes want to be, but I just don't have the drive to be them.

Maybe that's my problem. I don't have any drive.



Anyways, after orientation I talked to Joe, who helped me out a lot in deciding. H reminded me that I didn't have to always stay there, and that I might as well try out one year. So yeah, that's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to give it a shot for a year. Hopefully I'll enjoy the environment and my classes, etc.

If things go wrong and I don't fully enjoy them, I might do something along the lines of this:
A) End up spending every year in the Study Abroad program so I can see the world. I've always wanted to, and I don't think college would bother me so much if I were in another country, experiencing new things.
B) Just leaving. I don't know where I'd go, but I might just get up and go somewhere. I've always thought Iceland was a beautiful country, and that it would be fun to visit. Maybe I'll just move there for a while. I was looking at one of their colleges through the Study Abroad website thingy on the NDSU site, and it reminded me of how much I wanted to visit there. You can take free online classes for Icelandic, which I'm going to start soon.



And this is the end of my blog . . .
I always feel like no one will be able to understand my posts, because they always seem jumbled. Lulz, Joe.

Ba Ba Ti Ki Di Do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk_7ExOhSS0

I was listening to this song last night, and it gave me an idea for a story excerpt. Talking with Joe tonight gave me another one, so I'll make those soon.

But now to the real reason for this post. (Incoherent as usual.)

1

Today I went to my sister's house with my mother. She needed to pick up some clothes of my niece, Nevaeh, and I was going to walk/feed my dog, Copper. The first thing we noticed when we got closer to the house was that there were bottles littered around her front lawn. She accused the neighbors directly to my sister's right for being the cause of the mess. Apparently they don't "bag their garbage," or something. For the short time she spoke of the, she just had to throw in the fact that they were "Mexican." I italicize this word because that's how she put it, and how everyone else seems to put it. A person's characteristics always seem to become some sort of disgusting adjective.

They always seem to throw in their nationality (or the color of their skin, etc.). It's always "that black man" and not "that man." I can understand why people would do it. I mean, we even do it for when someone is fat, old, or tall. But it just feels wrong when it comes to the topic of race.

I suppose this got me thinking about racism, and how I don't fully understand why people choose or don't choose to be. There are pretty much two types of racists. You're either the kind that flat out hates someone because of their race and may or may not let others know it, or you're the kind that just acts differently towards someone of another race than you would your own. If you're "Type B," which I believe my mother is, you don't hate the other race, or think of yourself as a racist, but you still allow stereotypes to shape your mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I'm probably a Type B as well. I've never found myself hating someone of another race, but I'm sure I've discrimated in the past. I suppose it's hard not to, when you're fed so many things through the media. I'll always remind myself of what they want me to think, and I'll immediately repress it. They tell you that the black man probably has a gun, and that he's here to rob the store, and you can't help but think of how ironic it would be if he did.

2

Before leaving, my mother noticed the neighbor's rottweiler outside of our yard. A conversation kind of like this occured immediately afterwards.

"I'm going to go over there and have a talk with them about that rottweiler. There is no way I'm going to let my grandchildren be harmed."
"I don't think it's a rottweilder, Mom." I stood up to check, and it looked like a mix between a rottweiler and something else (probably a black lab).
"Oh, it is. Breeann said it was."
"Yeah, I guess it is. I'm sure it's fine, though. They have kids of their own."

The conversation ended there, but I know I hadn't gotten through to her. Thankfully, before we left, they went inside their home. (I didn't want to have to listen to my mother bitch.) As we left, she drove by their house slowly while looking into their windows. Sigh.

I feel really bad for my mother. She shouldn't have to live afraid and angry like this. No one should.

Time to Fanboy?

Sigur Rós has their new album that comes out the 23rd of June streaming on their website.
http://www.sigurros.com/main/streaming.asp
It's pretty much amazing.

Not Emo

Hayley Hoover makes amazing cookies. Fact.

Yikes

No post since the 4th? *gasp!*

Update on my "story":
Things aren't coming far. I can't get myself to just sit down and write it, which sucks. I figure I'll just get to work on it when I'm done with school on the 23rd.

Random thoughts with no direction:

I feel really numb for some reason. I don't really get it, really. All of it. I want people to talk to, but it's fucking 10 P.M. and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I think I'm going to talk to my dad for a while when he gets home tonight.

Test Question

This question was in my AP Psychology test. I almost died of laughter when I read it.

"Edgar lives in a town by a forest where people commonly go to get wood. Although Edgar is often tempted to take as much wood as he'd like, he only takes what he needs so that there is enough for everyone."

LOL!

How Badass I Am:

Philosophy Essay Question:

Q: What are your thoughts regarding Sartre's ideas? Do you agree with his theory regarding free-will? Explain.

A: I’m as indifferent while discussing “free-will” as I am while discussing metaphysics. They are unimportant to me. What is, is. It doesn't matter what I think about it.

A Rant on Religion

This is kind of a response to Joe's post. It'll be random and probably incoherent, not to mention it may have nothing to do with Joe's post in the first place, but I like discussing philosophy. It's always fun.

I'm currently in a philosophy class, and there is one thing I've realized. It's that I hate talking about metaphysics ("What truly exists?), whether or not human beings have free will, etc. To me, these questions seem redundant. What's it matter what really is real? Who cares if we have free will or not? I sure don't. I can understand the importance of these questions and why they're asked, but come on now. Why start so many arguments based around it?

I'm living now and I don't want to be bothered by such questions. We assume that you only live once, so I say fuck it. I'm going to live without caring.

However, I love talking about religion (and I suppose spirituality? If that goes along with it, that is). I have yet to find a religion or a label to define what I believe in, but it doesn't bother me that I don't. Here is kind of a list about what I think:

I) "God or no God?" I believe in a God. There are pretty much two groups of people-- those who believe in one and those who don't. Let's not even be bothered about the Pastafarians. *sigh*
I find it kind of silly to think we were all one giant accident. It makes more sense to me that there would be a creator.

II) "Why are we here?" I think God just sort of set up the world and is letting us go at it-- as if we're one big experiment. I think he just sort of set up the building blocks (ya know, genetics and stuff) and maybe he's watching over us, intrigued. I sure would be.

III) "Why aren't you a Christian?" I hate to sound like a sxephil episode, but the Bible contradicts itself. I'm sorry, but I could never follow something that says that homosexuals should be stoned, yet later on promotes loving everyone and all that jazz. And don't you dare tell me to look past the Old Testament-- it's still part of the Bible.

I always hated going to Sunday School when I was a child. My parents would make me dress up all nicely (I fucking hated the socks and shoes I had to wear) and I'd play the role of a good Christian son. I was a Christian back then, but all children are ignorant. (They have my three-year-old nephew praying at dinner. I mean, come on. He doesn't even know what the fuck he's doing.) The only good memories I have of my childhood church goings were of me drawing Star Wars battles on the little sheets of paper we got, and falling asleep while my mom would tickle my arm (it still relaxes me to this day). Life was good.

When I moved to Arizona, that's probably when things began to get bad. We moved into a church that was really upbeat and if I were still a Christian, I'd love to be there every Sunday morning. However, I was a "wild child" there and Arizona isn't where my happy years of life lie. I didn't really want to be friends with anyone there, so I pushed away from religion. Another thing is that some very choice words were said by my pastors there. Things like "9/11 was a reminder to all of us" would make me look up with a face that probably screamed of disgust. The murmur of agreement probably added to said disgust look. How the fuck can you say that 9/11 was God's doing? Like if he thought it would be a great idea to remind everyone to pray some more by crashing planes into buildings.

I vaguely remember praying for something in Arizona, I don't remember what it was-- probably friends or something of that nature (lulz), and it was never answered. This probably also added to the problem.

But yes, organized religion is a big "No thanks" for me.

IV) "Thoughts on the afterlife?" I believe in a version of Heaven. However, I don't really believe in a Hell. I've read enough in psychology about all those serial killers with an antisocial personality disorder, etc, to believe that some people can't really help who they are. They may be able to control themselves and not do what they do. I'm not sure, I'm no Psychologist.

Another thing to look at: There are situations where areas of the brain are damaged or a certain area may be taken out or affected. In some of these situations, people's whole temperaments are changed. How can God decide if you're going to Heaven or Hell if you can't help what your thoughts were on Earth? It doesn't make any sense to me.

Another point: People always say, "God has created you and made you unique." etc. If this is true, why-- with a Christian look on why people go to Heaven or Hell-- would he create people like Jeffrey Dahmer and others who go around killing many people? Wouldn't this sort of mean that some are predestined to go to Hell? Why would he create some people so they could spend eternity in "torment" ?

I just hope there is an afterlife where everyone can go. Maybe everything will be explained to us when we get there.



Hoped you enjoyed reading all of that. It was longer than I expected it to be (twss). Um, the next couple blogs will probably have to do with a writing "exercise" I'm going to start this weekend. In Stephen King's On Writing he asks people to take a stab at writing without any sort of plot outlines (he discusses that this is how he writes most of his novels, which I find fascinating). [/me points at his 1,000 page long edition of The Stand and is bewildered.] He gives a scenario and then asks for six pages to be written, so I'm going to try it out. I figure I'll post a couple pages per day. Wish me luck. =)

To Clarify:

So this is just to clarify, 'cause I feel like I should. I hate confusing people. =P



So, generally, I'm a pretty happy person. I really, really enjoy life. I'm not lying when I say this. I feel privileged; I don't know where I was going with that, but I do. Most people aren't as lucky as I am, or aren't even as lucky as you, the reader.

My last post sounded pretty emo, no doubt. And I'm not going to lie, I sure felt it last night. I don't keep these sad feelings inside me hour after hour. They just decide to come up at random and they tear me apart. Maybe I don't need help as badly as I think I do. Maybe I just need better coping methods when I don't start to feel good. Yeah, probably that. We'll see.

Your Opinion

So about a week or two ago, I made a promise to myself that if I had another "emotional breakdown" I'd actually go and get help. And here it is, 10:45 P.M. on a Wednesday night, and you can probably guess what happened a couple hours ago.

I don't know if I should keep my promise or not. I don't think I can get better on my own, either way. Opinion? I'm posting this in a blog 'cause I haven't the balls to talk about it with my family, my local friends, or even the person I'm talking to on the phone right now.

I'm sick-- both physically and mentally.

NaNoWriMo: Part 2

I'm typing this while listening to "One Thing" by Finger Eleven. (Really good song, check it out.)

Quick note on NaNoWriMo that I forgot to mention in my earlier blog entry:

This story is do or die for me. If I fail to accomplish this-- develop a story, that is-- my current aspirations to become a writer will probably die. I like the idea of becoming one-- I really, really do. To be able to inspire people-- like so many have done for me-- through my writing would be a dream come true. Although, I'm not going to chase it if I believe it will go no where and I have no talent. The most I've ever come to writing a full length story are two pages to two different stories that I wrote last summer, and the other years ago. I'm not even going to count Create in '08 or Sirens, those don't deserve the merit, in my opinion.

With every passing day, I get closer and closer to graduation. Then, four magical months later, I'll be in college. Depending on my career choice, I'll go to a certain college. I have a couple picked out for either path. I could possibly take a year off to collect my thoughts and plan a little more, but I've been told enough times that it's ALWAYS a bad idea to do something like that. We'll see as time progresses.

Back to writing, though:

I do enjoy writing, especially like this. I guess talking like this sort of comes naturally? I just hope that I can find my voice while writing fiction.

I really, REALLY think it's going to go over well. At least, I hope it does. Ideas keep filtering into my head and I keep thinking of things to add to my current story choice. The plot continues to thicken.

Wish me luck. Sometimes, I sure as hell think I'll need it.

NaNoWriMo

All right, so I was talking with Hayley the other night and we decided it would be fun to do NaNoWriMo during the month of May (and by "we," I mean she told me I should do it).
(For the two people who actually do read these blogs, here's a link: http://www.nanowrimo.org/ )
I know it isn't November, but the why the fuck should you have to wait until November to attempt to write a novel? Exactly my reasoning!

My thoughts on this idea first started off as poor. I kept telling myself, "Shit, Evan. This is going to suck . . . badly." I wasn't looking forward to it at all. My past attempts at writing have all been terrible.

I knew what I wanted to write about. I've had the same story idea-- said story idea shall be called X-- for years, and I've never done anything with it. No main character, no plot, nothing. Just an idea. While dwelling on this whenever I wasn't bothered by other matters, another idea for a story-- we'll call this idea Y-- came into my mind. It was similar to the other idea-- similar being a very big stretch. I started to wonder if the main character behind Y would fit into X, and sure enough; I found that he would fit beautifully.

So there it was, a main character I could relate to and someone who I already felt I knew. The little minions of doubt must have had a lunch break or some shit, because I started to feel a bit better about the upcoming month.

And, of course, with the doubt gone, I started to build on the story even more. I knew what I actually wanted to do with it. Hell, those minions must have went on strike! There are a few things I need to work on with my "outline," but I believe in myself and I know they'll dissipate by the end of April.

**Random Concerns (if you want them call them that)**
I'm curious as to how far I'll actually get on word count. I really, really want to go over 50,000 words. I think I owe it to the story that it does.

One thing that may put a damper on the situation:
Graduation is on June 1st, so right after May is over (obviously). It feels weird to think that I could be finishing up a novel the night before I graduate, but hey, it could happen. Right? Along with this is the fear that I may be too busy, etc.

One last concern:
The people who are going to be reading it. I hope that my writing isn't judged on the genre, because I'm afraid it might be a little horrific for some (just the people who will probably end up reading it right after it's finished). As of right now, my story idea looks kind of dark. People aren't going to be flinging poo at each other and summoning demons, but it definitely isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows. Let's just say it's something that could happen-- and as happened-- in real life.


Overall, I'm really excited for this. Can't wait until May. =)

*Sigh*

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080409/ap_on_re_us/toddler_beaten

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Epiphanies

I seem to be having a lot of these lately.

A long time ago I came to a very depressing realization. We're all trying to find happiness, and with finding happiness comes the possibility that you're hurting someone else's happiness. Last night, I sort of learned that I've been doing just that.

From about the 7th grade to when I started posting YouTube videos, I would always hang out with a group of friends over the internet. Two of them (mainly one, the other only started playing games with us online after I returned to North Dakota) were my "real life" friends, and the other two were people I met through online gaming. About a year ago, I really started to hate video games. I had looked back on what I've done in my life and couldn't even muster a smile. Most of it was spent playing World of Warcraft or some other game. I was pissed at how much it had "ruined" my teenage years and I figured stopping it all would be a good plan.

So, I did. And then I found YouTube. Ever since then I've felt better about myself . . . to some extent. With playing all those video games, you kind of don't have time to sit and ponder about your future or your life. Now that I've quit, it's all I seem to be doing.

Back on the subject of the friends, though.

I'd still talk to these four friends, (the two in North Dakota I still hang out with frequently) but when you lose something you have in common with people, it kind of hurts the bond you have with them. Needless to say, we weren't as we had been before I "quit."

About a month or two ago, I entered a clique (I guess you could call it that) of people on YouTube. I LOVE their company and it's great to have friends that are into the same stuff you are. However, with this came the slow absence from my other friends. I still hang out with the ones I live near, but I've pretty much totally removed myself from the whole video game scene and barely talk to the other two.

Last night, one of those friends contacted me on AIM (It's times like these that I wish AIM had a history like Skype does). He told me about how he didn't mean to be an ass about some of the things he had said about my video making, and that it really, really sucked that I've been totally ditching them the past couple months. That it sucked when "one of your friends is off doing something you're not apart of," or something along that nature. We talked about it among other things and we're "cool" now. But, still . . .

I was completely awestruck when he sent me this. It all kind of hit me and it instantly reminded me of the epiphany stated above.


This past week has been shit for me. Friday night was fairly awesome. From Saturday on has sucked. Badly. I'm really fucking confused about a lot of things. Life is getting to me and I can hardly stand it sometimes. I just wish I could figure things out.

What I Lack

So, for the longest time, I've been attempting to write. It's always been something in the back of my mind that I've wanted to do. However, ever since starting, I've noticed it's a lot harder than it looks. For years now, little ideas have sparked in my head for story ideas. I've written some down and I'm sure I've forgotten others. I know the English language and the grammar that goes along with it fairly well, although, I'm no English Major. You can perfect your grammar, you can increase your vocabulary, but when you get down to it, you need more than just those tools. You need passion. And ever since I've started, I've noticed more and more often that I probably lack that which makes a good author.

For instance, take Sirens. I would sit and listen to the song, imagining, at least, the rockets and the destruction unfolding in front of the young child. Sounds like the start to a good novel, right? One of those epic page turners that they teach in high school English? The one all the popular kids don't read because they're too busy finding out who Sally blew on Friday night, but is still read by those who adore books and the deep messages that are conveyed inside them? Yeah, definitely one of those.

I started writing it one boredom filled night and didn't end up getting very far with it. I saved it and left it up there for anyone who actually reads these blogs to see. It was better than my fuckin' "Create in 2008" shit of a story. At least, I thought so.

Tonight, I decided to revisit it after a conversation with a great friend of mine. She told me my writing has potential, and I take her comments very close to heart. It isn't every day someone who obviously has more experience in a certain field tells you you could do well in said field. With this new scrap of self-confidence, I decided to begin.

I'm glad to report that I made astounding progress! And by "astounding progress," I mean I copy and pasted it into a word document and added a sentence or two.

I can't seem to just open up and write. I keep rewriting and eventually erasing sentences that I think are no good. For some reason, I can't allow myself to just let a concept flow out of my head and magically appear as text on a computer screen. (Except for when I rant on a fucking blog, of course.) I can't seem to develop anything, this being as problematic as you can get for an author.
Some extreme case of writer's block.

Maybe I need to start somewhere familiar. Somewhere that can open up my "abilities." If I have any, that is. Fuck if I know. I'm still going to try, even if it hurts.

Thanks for reading.

Those Nights

So . . . Sunday night was one of those nights. I've had them before and they're not always nights, but they seem to happen every year or so. Maybe they've happened more often; I can only remember a few. Fact is, I'm getting tired of them and the thoughts they bring. After the last one-which occured sometime in January 2007-I thought I was done with them. Well, on Sunday night, I was proven wrong.

I find myself just sitting around, wondering why they still occur. It really confuses me. I've made so many changes in my lifestyle over the years; everytime a change is made I think it will be the one that finally makes it all stop. At this moment, it hasn't fully gone away (even though it sometimes feels like it has). Where I was a couple of years ago is a lot worse than where I am now. I've come a long way . . . I'm proud of myself.

I love this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bX2IyXejGk

Lauren is the most amazing person ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Cq-S5hGkPo

Expect a video response to her's on Thursday. It will probably help explain this blog a little better.

Dear blog,

Since the last time we talked, I've fallen in love with a girl. Her sexy drives me insane. Here's a taste:



I can't get enough. Our conversations are always so deep and meaningfull, I can tell she's the one.

[3/22/2008 1:40:24 AM] Hayley says: jerk
[3/22/2008 1:44:42 AM] Hayley says: you're a bastard.
[3/22/2008 7:43:42 PM] Hayley says: ass face
Be quiet heart. There is no need to beat that fast.



This has been a parody of:
http://www.charlieissocoollike.net/

Sirens

I'm working on this little by little. The song below inspired this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDLynKFYTLg


Hearing them was one thing, seeing them was something else entirely. Ever since the sirens had begun earlier that week, you could hear the rumbles in the distance but never actually see what was happening. I hadn't left my house when they had started. It was forbidden, and now I understood why. My room was illuminated by the warm colors of what was occurring in the distance. I stared bug-eyed and speechless, knowing already that this would be something I would never forget.

Looking to the streets down below, I could see a large amount of ambulances and fire trucks racing off toward the disaster that awaited them. Even at the age of twelve, I knew there wouldn't be much they could do to help. Nothing ever withstood what I had just seen . . . at least that's what the movies taught you.

The door behind me forcefully burst open and my father rushed in. "Jake! Get away from the windows!" As he closed the blinds shut, I could see more rockets falling from the sky. "Jacob, I want you to listen to me." He had grabbed ahold of me, forcing me to look directly into his eyes. The sounds outside were deafening. "Do you have the bag with all your clothes ready?"
"Yeh-yeah, it's under my bed."
He got down on all fours and pulled it out from underneath. "We've been over this before. You still remember where to go, correct?"
How could I forget? My whole family had practiced the same route for what felt like months. I knew now that it had all been in preparation for this night. "Yes," I stammered. "I remember."

Books

Alright, so I've had this notepad filled with books I want to purchase and read sometime in the future. I figure I might as well put it on here, incase anything would happen to it. These are in no particular order. Forgive me if I spell the author's name wrong or completely come up with a book that isn't real haha, most of these book ideas were picked up at random. :)

*Books crossed out have recently been purchased.*

The List:
Cirque 9-12 - Darren Shan ( Loved the first 8 and never finished it. *sigh* )
I am Legend - Richard Matheson
I, Lucifer - Glen Duncan
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court - Mark Twain
Walden and Civil Disobedience - Henry David Thoreau (There are other Waldens, apparently)
Self-Reliance & other essays - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Looking Backward - Edward Bellamy
Giants in the Earth - O.E. Rolvaag
Gates of Fire - Steven Pressfield
Heart-Shaped Box - Joe Hill (Note to self: He has other books, look them up sometime.)
Various books by F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway
Slaughterhouse-Five - Kurt Vonnegut (some of his other books, too)
Into the Wild - Jon Krakauer
1984 & Animal Farm - George Orwell
The Lottery - Shirley Jackson
An Abundance of Katherines & Looking for Alaska - John Green
Twilight, etc - Stephenie Meyer (If only to make fun of the terrible.)
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
Alas, Babylon - Pat Frank
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
The Giver - Lois Lowry (You have this somewhere, find it)
Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift
William Blake Poetry (A Poison Tree)
Various Shakespeare
The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch
The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
Various C.S. Lewis books
Fyodor Dostoevsky - Demons, The Brothers Karamazov, and others (Graham says to take notes)
Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
The Road & No Country for Old Men- Cormac McCarthy
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
Childhood's End - Arthur C. Clarke
Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri
Ernest Hemingway
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
The House of the Scorpion - Nancy Farmer
The House on Mango Street - Sandra Cisneros
Blindness - Jose Saramago
The First Law trilogy - Joe Abercrombie
The Realm of Possibility - David Levithan

The Children of Men - P. D. James

Stephen Crane
T. S. Eliot and E. E. Cummings

Yes Man - Danny Wallace

Michael Crichton

The Postman Always Rings Twice - James Cain

Ghost Story - Peter Straub
H. P. Lovecraft

The Best American Short Stories 2007/2008

Various Joseph Heller

"The Lies My Teacher Told Me."

And The Earth Did Not Devour Him - Tomas Rivera

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

The Things They Carried

Just an Ordinary Day, and other stories - Shirley Jackson

Various Tim O'Brien

Wastelands: Stories of the Apocalypse & The Living Dead

Mark Z. Danielewski

Rudyard Kipling

"The Bear" - William Faulkner

Philosophy-esque Books (Heard of during my AP US History, Humanities, & Philosphy courses):
Biblical Paradigm Shift - Jason Bourne
God is Not Great - Christopher Hitchens
The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins
Atheism: The Case Against God - George. H. Smith
The End of Faith & Letter to a Christian Nation - Sam Harris
Social Contract - Rousseau
Critique of Pure Reason & Critique of Judgement - Kant
The Communist Manifesto & Das Kapital - Karl Marx
Summa Theologica - St. Thomas Aquinas

Create in 2008 - February

Not really proud of this(personally I think this story fuckin' sucks), but oh well; I had to start writing sometime. I hope to write more short stories and maybe even poems in here later.

The Prompt: You come home. It’s late and so dark you can barely see your hand in front of your face. What you can see is that the back door of your home is wide open. Suddenly you are consumed with the feeling that something…someone, who doesn’t belong, is in your home.


-I had never seen the roads this dark before. Then again, I had never been out this late before. With the whole milk calling shotgun, the clock read off 1:32 A.M. and James Mercer sang melodically on the burnt CD. I took a right into Boulder Run and kept moving toward 32nd, passing the abandoned local park. Very few of the houses had their lights on. And why should they? It was one in the morning for Christ’s sake! If I hadn’t wanted my Wheaties tomorrow morning, I wouldn’t even be on this little venture.
-My house was coming up soon and that meant going to bed after dropping the milk in the fridge. I took a left passing the Nelson’s shack and then laid eyes onto my very own.
-“Tharr She Blows!” The nice thing about driving alone was that you could say whatever the hell you wanted.
-But something wasn’t right. . . Is that the back door open? No, it couldn’t be. Shit, it was.
-I had gone to Stan’s house to complain about his mutt pissing on my lawn and had probably forgotten to close it.
-Yeah, that’s it. I forgot to shut the door.
-I hung a left, paused half way up the drive way, and allowed the garage door a second to catch up before proceeding to pull in and shut off the old gal. I stepped into my two floor house, shook off the shoes, and hung up the jacket. Walking toward the kitchen to set the milk in its rightful place, I turned on the lights as I went along. After the milk was put away, I headed toward the back door. I stepped outside and looked around before closing it. I’m not going to lie, I was a little scared. I know it had just been an accident leaving the door open, but still, someone could have came in and stolen something. I checked the floor for tracks or any sign that someone had entered.
-No muddy footprints, no hair strands, no green ooze.
-I had a good chuckle over the last one. My imagination was getting the best of me. I started to head toward the stairs. At the top, the hallway was perpendicular to the staircase and you could either take a left towards the guest room or a right to the master bedroom and bathroom. I took a quick look around the second floor to make sure nothing was gone and more importantly to calm myself down. All the rooms seemed to be untouched. Nothing looked like it was out of place.
-If someone had come in with the intention to steal shit they wouldn’t have left everything in such good condition.
-I went back downstairs to watch some TV before bed. The fact that the door had been open was unnerving.
-Just turn on the TV and relax, Drew. Nothing is in the house. Relax.
-Reruns and infomercials seemed to be the only thing on at this late hour. Fuck the writer’s strike. My eyelids grew heavier by the second. I didn’t have the will to stay awake. It was useless to resist. I slowly drifted off. . .


-I was startled awake by some hardly audible noise. I wiped off the dribble running down the side of my chin. My watch read 2:25.
-It must have been the TV.
-I grabbed the remote and turned off the tube.
-There it was again. I know I heard something.
-Something was upstairs.
-But . . . I checked didn’t I? Nothing was up there. Nothing had been out of place.
-There it was again. Something was moving up there. My heart began to race.
-Drew, you checked. Stop being a paranoid bitch. Get over it.
-I wasn’t going to stand around either way. I got up and headed toward the kitchen. Pulling open the cabinet drawer, I extracted one of the cutting knives. If something besides my imagination was upstairs, they were going to regret ever coming in here.
-I stopped at the start of the staircase and began to listen while attempting to contain my breathing. I hadn’t heard anything since right after waking up.
-This is silly Drew. Just fucking go upstairs, calm your nerves, and go to bed.
-I crept up the stairs trying my best to not make a noise. Every time the stairs made a small creak my heart skipped a beat. I was slowly getting near the top and I still heard nothing.
-This is fucking stupid.
-I quickened my pace while getting closer to the top. There wasn't going to be anything up here. I looked toward the left.
-Nothing in the guest. . .
-There was a quick movement to my right. A baseball bat flew through the air and struck my right shin with incredible force. I could barely hear the snapping of the bone over my sudden shriek of agony. My body collapsed to the ground. I continued to screamed in shock and pain. I looked up and the last thing I saw was the bat heading towards my face. Then everything went dark.


-He was still alive. Out cold, but definitely still alive. I had made sure the blow to his head didn’t have enough force to kill him. I picked him up and started to head toward the basement. The only thing I could do now was wait. Then the fun would begin. . .

(Worst.
Ending.
Ever.)