I seem to be having a lot of these lately.
A long time ago I came to a very depressing realization. We're all trying to find happiness, and with finding happiness comes the possibility that you're hurting someone else's happiness. Last night, I sort of learned that I've been doing just that.
From about the 7th grade to when I started posting YouTube videos, I would always hang out with a group of friends over the internet. Two of them (mainly one, the other only started playing games with us online after I returned to North Dakota) were my "real life" friends, and the other two were people I met through online gaming. About a year ago, I really started to hate video games. I had looked back on what I've done in my life and couldn't even muster a smile. Most of it was spent playing World of Warcraft or some other game. I was pissed at how much it had "ruined" my teenage years and I figured stopping it all would be a good plan.
So, I did. And then I found YouTube. Ever since then I've felt better about myself . . . to some extent. With playing all those video games, you kind of don't have time to sit and ponder about your future or your life. Now that I've quit, it's all I seem to be doing.
Back on the subject of the friends, though.
I'd still talk to these four friends, (the two in North Dakota I still hang out with frequently) but when you lose something you have in common with people, it kind of hurts the bond you have with them. Needless to say, we weren't as we had been before I "quit."
About a month or two ago, I entered a clique (I guess you could call it that) of people on YouTube. I LOVE their company and it's great to have friends that are into the same stuff you are. However, with this came the slow absence from my other friends. I still hang out with the ones I live near, but I've pretty much totally removed myself from the whole video game scene and barely talk to the other two.
Last night, one of those friends contacted me on AIM (It's times like these that I wish AIM had a history like Skype does). He told me about how he didn't mean to be an ass about some of the things he had said about my video making, and that it really, really sucked that I've been totally ditching them the past couple months. That it sucked when "one of your friends is off doing something you're not apart of," or something along that nature. We talked about it among other things and we're "cool" now. But, still . . .
I was completely awestruck when he sent me this. It all kind of hit me and it instantly reminded me of the epiphany stated above.
This past week has been shit for me. Friday night was fairly awesome. From Saturday on has sucked. Badly. I'm really fucking confused about a lot of things. Life is getting to me and I can hardly stand it sometimes. I just wish I could figure things out.
2 comments:
I would love to hang out with you, and my other internet friends for that matter. You are an amazing person and its great to hear that YouTube has made you a better person as a whole.
Video games pretty much take up my life. I have friends in real life, but they are not my kind of crowd, they like to get drunk and get into anti-social behavior, which i strongly oppose, and as a result of that i spend my days making videos and playing games. Its a sad life but thats what i've got to contend with. I'm lucky, video games have sorted out my future, i want to work with video games, be it in retail or for a publisher, its something that i love.
You are like my American counterpart, my mum and sister think we lookalike.
Evan:
My thoughts are harsh in nature. So here they are unedited, forgive them.
Internet friends can be amazing, they're great when you need them, and you never have to be there for them when you don't want to. Sounds kind of mean, but it's true I think.
However, physicality in a relationship makes it so much more meaningful. It's harder to distance yourself from the person in a local relationship. They're always going to be there, and you have to face them. Hugs mean leaps and bounds.
I've found, in myself anyway, that a lot of times on the internet when you get into a fight or there is drama, I've just found myself thinking, "Why should I care?"
And why should I? They can't do anything to me. Fuck them. I don't like them right now. I don't have to deal with them right now, or ever again if I want.
(Already said in my post, but) The biggest similarity that will hold you together is the reliance that you are indeed friends, and that you deserve to be cared about because you care about them. In a good situation, anyway.
I was talking to my friend about this, and he said something that I found very true: "Why does it matter? A person's a person regardless."
And this is where my thoughts dive into bias.
I like my internet friends, Evan. You're amazing, I already feel like you're one of my buddies.
But there will always be a distance that can't be overcome with words and webcams. Sometimes I'm going to want a hug.
As I've said before, I don't doubt the validity in such relationships, and I know firsthand that they can be as good as local ones, but I also believe that there is a level of closeness that can't be reached here.
End thoughts on the actual content, the internet will come and go, as will the people on it. Your RL friends are always going to be there, because you've shared something that the Scones will never know.
Great post, Evan. I'm so glad I know you.
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